Finding Myself

Dreams

Becoming a mum is all I’ve ever really wanted. As soon as I understood what being a mum meant (in the literal sense), that’s what I wanted to be. It might be outdated, it might not be much to aspire to in terms of monetary wealth, but it was my life’s goal.

I have been extremely blessed in that I now have two of the most beautiful children on the planet (not that I’m biased in any way, of course!), and my life goal is complete.

So Now What?

You would think that I am now living happily ever after, right? Wrong.

I was so focussed on becoming a mum that I forgot to become myself first. I was so sure that when I had my children, everything would be right and complete because my life and my heart would be complete. I never for one moment thought that I would still be wandering around not really knowing who I am.

Not Very Nice

Before I had my daughters I was so sure I would be a specific person. I will be the first to admit that in hindsight, not only was I completely wrong and blinkered, I was, at times, not very nice. I was judgemental and I was so certain I would be this fantastic earth mother that when I had my children, I fell to earth with an almighty crash. Almost everything I thought I knew, was totally wrong. I was then left feeling utterly lost. I lost my confidence, my ability to make decisions, my sense of self. I was merely a wife and mum. I wasn’t Laura. In fact, I didn’t know who Laura was.

Reality Bites

I’m pretty sure that when that realisation hit me, that was when the depression really took a hold. I was going through the motions of a life that wasn’t mine. Except it was mine. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise the person staring back at me. It sounds so cliché, but it was true. I threw myself into trying to be the perfect wife and mum that I all but forgot I deserved to be Laura too. That really didn’t happen until my ex husband and I separated and I began my course of CBT.

Silver Linings

The separation was both one of the worst and the best things that have happened to me. In the beginning I had no idea how I would cope, how I would survive on my own. I was scared, and worse still, I was alone.

It turns out that being alone, I was able to start looking at myself a bit more (both literally and figuratively!). I’ve still got a long way to go, but I have begun to realise that Laura is still in there. I am a person. I have feelings. I have likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. I’ve also learnt that I’m allowed to have them too!

The mirror and I still have a lot of resolving to do, but I will get there. There is a person inside of me now that is clawing her way to the surface, fighting for what she wants, whereas before she was sat in a corner screaming for help.

I can finally see that somehow, I will be fine, and in the words of Gloria Gaynor…I will survive!

Binky Linky

6 thoughts on “Finding Myself

  1. Kirsten Toyne

    Hi Laura, This is such a powerful post. I thank you whole heartedly for your honesty.

    I have a blog and am writing a book that aims to look at the emotional impact of motherhood. So many of the women I interviewed found that motherhood brings up big questions for them. I am so pleased that you can see that you are on a journey of self discovery. These challenges come up in our lives and rather than being the disasters that they feel they can actually be a catalyst for a journey to something new and wonderful.

    You will survive and you will do more than that. Now that you know you don’t know yourself well enough, you can develop that and it will bring about change (I see clients naturally growing and it is wonderful). You are no longer in the dark and you have started that process. Be proud of yourself. #binkylinky
    Kirsten Toyne recently posted…6 Tips On Dealing With The Hurtful Things Children SayMy Profile

    1. Laura Post author

      Thank you so much for your comment. I know it’ll be a long journey, but I also know it’ll be worth it! I can’t wait to read your book, sounds right up my street. x

  2. Emily

    It must be tough, but I understand where you’re coming from. Before I had my twins I had an idea in my mind of the type of mum I’d be. Of course when they were born that all changed and everything I thought I’d be like went out of the window. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky
    Emily recently posted…Nights in now verses nights in before kidsMy Profile

    1. Laura Post author

      Thank you for commenting Emily. Isn’t being a parent one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs in the world, simultaneously! xx

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