Depression & Me

So You Are Still Alive Then…?!

Yes. I am still alive. Just about.

I’ve been trying to think for weeks about something profound to write about and I’ve got nothing. No words of wisdom, no exciting news, nothing. Nothing but me and my depression at the moment.

Really making you want to read on aren’t I?!

So What’s Happened?

As I had been feeling so much more like I was coping well, the summer seemed to be on its way and life seemed to be slowly turning around, I (rather idiotically) thought I would be able to come off my Citalopram. Yep, you can see where this is going can’t you!

Rather than go to my GP and try to come down off the meds slowly and sensibly, I had actually forgotten to take them at all for around 5 days, so I decided that as I’d been ok for those 5 days, I didn’t need them anymore. Schoolgirl error 101!

I have been horrible to be around lately.

  • Moody
  • Tired
  • Restless
  • Worried
  • Argumentative
  • Snappy
  • Can’t and don’t want to concentrate on anything
  • Don’t want to communicate with anyone- yet crave some affection
  • And unbelievably sad.

There isn’t really a reason for me to feel such sadness- there has (thankfully) been no losses in my life, I have my beautiful babies, I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. I should be (and I am) grateful for my life.

My feelings seem to contradict themselves at the moment; it’s almost like I’m not quite in control of my own thoughts and processes. Logic and sense tells me that I am in control of my life, yet I don’t feel like I am. Does that even make any sense?

It’s not just emotionally that coming off the meds has affected me, but physically too. I sway between being too hot and shivering, my headaches are almost permanent and my weight has rocketed again. Shamefully so.

I have been trying to put on a brave face for everyone and to appear as though I’m a strong, independent woman, yet I feel like I’m lost. I was watching Lilo and Stitch the other day at my mum’s house and I fully related to Stitch when he says he’s lost.

via GIPHY

I feel as though I’m wandering around living a life that’s not mine. Going through the motions of a normal existence. I don’t know the person I’ve become and right now, I don’t particularly like the person I’ve become either.

I know that the way I’m feeling at the moment is as a result of not taking my medication properly, but that also makes me feel bad as it makes me think that I’m broken or malfunctioning without chemicals! I’m not a “proper” person without medicine. Yes that’s probably a little dramatic, but you get the gist of the sentiment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know that there are people all over the world dealing with far worse on a daily basis than I am, yet I still don’t seem to be able to be happy.

My self-esteem is through the floor again and I don’t know why. I am constantly reminding myself of how fat I’ve allowed myself to become, whilst everyone around me seems to be on target with their “summer bodies”. I’ve totally lost my grip on my reality and I don’t like it. I just want to feel ok again. I look back at photos of me two years ago, when I’d decided I wasn’t going to diet anymore, but cook healthily from scratch.

I still cried myself to sleep some nights because I was so far away from the “me” I’d become accustomed to. I was A STONE lighter then. A STONE! Where did I go so horribly wrong and why? And more importantly, how on earth do I get rid of the now 3 stone I want to lose?!

If any of you have any advice, I’d gladly listen.

Take care xx

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