Having been away from blogging for a little while, on an emotional sabbatical, I feel as though I’m ready to open up again. My emotional health has been on a bit of a rollercoaster since I began Mind Mood Mommy, yet I now feel as though, for now at least, I am on a steady plateau.
As some of my regular readers will know, I separated from my husband a little over a year ago now. During the last twelve months, we tried to make another go of things, but in reality, it was only really me putting in the effort. I think deep down we both knew it was dead in the water, yet neither of us was really ready to let go once and for all. A couple of months ago, I took the (terrifying) decision to finally end it. I knew it was the right thing to do; had we continued as we were, we would have become toxic for each other, not to mention the odd perspective the girls would have had as to what an adult relationship consists of.
The thought of not being with the one person that’s ever truly known me and then the prospect of getting to know someone new, quite frankly scared me to death. So many thoughts whirled through my mind; how on earth was I going to cope? How would I be able to love again? Who on earth would want to date an overweight single mum of two children under 5?! Despite my fears, I knew that the time with my husband was over and it was time to learn to heal and to allow myself to become open to the idea that perhaps I could love again and that maybe the best is yet to come.
The one thing I would never do is be disparaging towards my ex husband, he is a wonderful man despite his relationship flaws. He is the best father he knows how to be and has always treated me kindly. He is also the father of my children, and I am a firm believer that a mutual respect ought to be maintained (as long as it remains to be deserved) on that basis. I sincerely hope that in the future, he learns to be happy and to find love for himself.
This is one of the scariest things about being single for me. Whilst it can be exciting and and adventure, it is a daunting prospect allowing someone else into your heart and your life. I envisage the process a little like a baby learning to walk. Your old relationship is signified by the baby not walking or crawling, moving on from the relationship is akin to a baby learning to crawl, dating is likened to baby’s first tentative steps, and finally, a new relationship is when your baby is able to walk. I envisage it that way because each time you have to move on from something, you grow, just as a baby transitions into a toddler. Each time you take something with you, be it positive or negative and emotional growth is inevitable.
Learning to Walk
My current emotional state is in the crawling phase and I now feel that I am ready to begin to take those tentative steps forwards. After feeling undeserving for such a long time, I now understand that I do deserve to be happy, that I should seek a deep and lasting love, and that wanting those things isn’t wrong.
So as the title of this post suggests, I am going to write a letter to my future love, whomever he may be…
Dear Future Love,
I would first like to thank you for finding me. I have been lost in a wilderness of confused and damaging emotions for so long, unable to see that happiness awaits me and the prospect of a life filled with love and laughter can be mine.
I want you to know that my inner demons remain- I believe everyone has them, it’s just that some people are better at controlling them than others. With the return of love and light into my life, my demons are forced into dormancy. May they forever remain asleep.
I’m not looking to be rescued, or saved- that I need to do alone. I’m looking to be your romantic everything. I want to feel deepest passion, mutual respect, true happiness and laughter, and to feel both extreme calm and butterflies simultaneously.
I want to look into your eyes and to know that I am your all. That I need never question your love for me and to know wholeheartedly that you’re loyal and honest.
I remain optimistic that the kind of love found in a good novel or Hollywood blockbuster is attainable, that love really can happen like it does in the movies. In short, I am hoping that you can offer me my happily ever after.
Whilst all this talk of fairytale endings is lovely, I am also sensible enough to know that relationships are hard. My great grandmother used to say that love is like a plant, if you water and nurture it, it flourishes, choose to neglect it and it dies. There is a lot of truth in that.
I am fully aware that perhaps we both arrive with baggage- both physical and emotional, and I am willing to work as hard as you are to ensure our plant doesn’t die.
I have hopes and dreams and I hope you do too. If we’re really lucky, perhaps some of them might be shared together- isn’t that a nice thought?!
So, if you are a true love, my heart and my mind are both open, my past is now behind me and I am able to stand strong and look forward to the future. After all, life is a one shot adventure!